luckier than a lot of people

I'm pretty satisfied and happy for most of the times.
Really luckier than a lot of people.

Sometimes my energy drops. Not because I suddenly
hate my life or hate what I am doing --
It's like driving across Arizona.

Sometimes you would feel bored and lonely
when on a really long road without seeing any other cars pass by.
But, you would also be amazed by spectacular scenery of mountains or the river.
Those breathtaking moments take away all your painful feelings.

I am JUST impatient with my relatively slow speed and anxious
as comparing my progress with how fast Earth spins (or how fast a baby grows?)
I can't lie to you: I dreamed of flying, but then worried about missing all those funny-shaped cacti--they make me laugh.

---

Final thoughts:
It's life. I need something to take away my exhaustion. Perhaps the postponed honeymoon would do it?

Prepare to deliver a baby V.S. to deliver a dissertation

生寶寶 與 生論文

生一個寶寶，除了吃得健康，有很多時間可以等待寶寶的到來（期待?)。有時候不舒服，會頭痛或是孕吐。生一份論文，除了讀很多書與文章之外，還要有點靈感。“似乎”也有很多時間可以揮霍。當然，準備生論文也會上妳不舒服，像是頭痛或焦慮...有的人也許會想吐。

不同的地方呢?

生一個寶寶，妳可以確定寶寶是你們的是獨一無二; 生一份論文，要東想西想，還怕世界上已經有一樣的idea了或是被先抄走了。生一個寶寶，妳知道等待9-10個月就能相見，生一份論文，要五年以上，而且坐著等是永遠不會生下來的。生一個寶寶，如果難產，醫學進步，世界都在幫助你跟寶寶; 生一份論文，如果寫不出來，只好一直陣痛...。

寫論文，其實也沒有那麼悲苦，其實也很令人期待。很相似又很不相同的過程。

---

p.s. 不喜別人問我論文的...呃... 姓別; 因為還沒發展到那裡的樣子... 至少，還看不出來。

又，希望照超音波那天，我已經準備好(proposal)了...。

假如我是攝影師

幾次車上和當當玩，幻想我是攝影師的遊戲。

不知道從什麼時候開始，wish我是一個攝影師。(也許有靈感的作家也好)。

特別每當該寫論文，百般不願意的拖拖拉拉之後，出門看見另一片天。又想起上禮拜檢查眼睛，某眼視力弱了些，醫生說，

『也許是妳右腦比較活躍... !? 其實也沒什麼關係。』

今晚，在一段閱讀之後，

刷牙，看著鏡子裡又短髮的自己，一點也不陌生。

忽然，懷疑自己是不是從小學五年級就習慣『鑽』在很聰明的人群裡，載浮載沈。

也許是我不服輸的個性，累壞了我自己?

也許人做輕鬆一點，擅長一點，喜歡一點的工作，並沒有什麼錯。

也許我只是沒有辦法堅持下去?

跟感情ㄧ樣，只有選擇，沒有解答。

或，還沒公佈...

----

隨記

看著柚柚的爸媽，不厭其煩的問著她，想要這個嗎，想要那個嗎，我心裡想，她一定會是個很不一樣的女孩，總知道自己想要什麼，真好 :)

Macbook

其實，這張照片的主角是默默陪伴我們的Macbook- my first mac ever。與它在一起的日子，有甜蜜也有苦澀，面對空白的忍耐，面對時間的壓力，面對文字的琢磨，面對思念的寄託，面對感情的洗煉，面對回憶的探索與放空。面對，不只是面對，而將鏡子轉為一扇窗。我的成長。



今天把它放心的交給一個很好，很仔細，很有禮貌，很爽快的新主人Joel。雖然有點捨不得，但替它找到很棒的家，是一件值得開心的事 : ) 放開手，才能真正擁有。

midon phase 2

[An ice cream cake we finally got from Coldstone]

We just watched the movie 'up in the air' and yes, life is 'up in the air'

But tonight, we know where we're HEADING to.

Maybe doctoral programs are like frequent flyer's mileage points

You can set an arbitrary goal to yourself (again, like pursuing a doctoral degree) or you can use your time for real(?) life!

Now Don is using the mileage points and making them a big trip for us :)

So, this post is actually not about the movie or cool George Cloony (even though I was heartbroken when I knew Alex had a real family in the movie) This is about congratulations on your new job, don don!

I am so happy and proud of you babe!

Teaching the new course this semester

I was (maybe still 'am') not a big fan of my Tuesday class for the following reasons:

1. Tuesday is right after Monday... End of my leisure time...
2. Tuesday class is the first class I teach every week. And as you can expect, I feel I didn't do my best teaching them.. because I also do better in my Friday section even when I've done okay on Tuesday.
   
3. Students in this Tuesday class seem not as interesting as students in my Friday section. Maybe because people get more interesting when it's getting close to weekends.. just my new theory!

However, I find several interesting people in the Tuesday section today :) One of them was interested in getting to know me and she is also a master's student here. She said she studied Buddhism and went meditation for 3 years. Wow. I should ask her if she recommends books or just general questions about meditation. The other student is just funny talking about the weather and being proud of herself (and maybe me) that she came to classes in this snowy day without having any insurance!

Also, I think I like being honest with these young folks. This course is unlike the course I taught before and this course is structured differently and I will do my best to help bridge the connections better. They all nodded and smiled. Great kids!

簡單的幸福 與 單純而永恆的美麗 隨筆

今天下午天氣很好 溫暖的讓人想悠閒散步
咖啡加上裹著一層糖衣的甜甜圈
和你相處短短半個小時 我擁有簡單的幸福

本來不想去開會的 但是今天會議很有趣
討論 redesign schools 的方法
她們聽到永安國小的設計 都覺得非常 impressive
原來覺得還好的我 越說越為台灣驕傲
覺得黃主任與核心人物他們好厲害唷
推動改革與創新 需要一些拉力與推力
還有溫暖的support

我上網查查看圖片 突然發現去年校長交接了
主任現在也在不同的學校 繼續為理想的教育努力
世代交接 讓我看著路上的行人 這些繽紛的美國大學生
都有一種感慨

加上生命中有一種人 不論在天涯海角 多久沒聯繫
永遠都不會忘記默默關心 因為過去與未來 熟悉又陌生
像十年後午後或凌晨的msn 也像那一個初識的夜晚一樣

人生像搭公車一樣 總是有一個人要先下車
另一個人則笑著揮揮手 等待明天

手上握在波爾裡的回憶 不會消逝在光陰裡的故事
像極了拍打在淡水海岸的浪
我慵懶地坐在河岸邊 聽著海浪重複拍著階梯與停泊的船
努力凝視著日落以後的黑暗 wonder未來會怎麼樣

只是 十年以後 發現這裡從來(?)沒有海
從前的信念已經模糊
你我交錯而過
卻永遠記得那些美麗
因為它是生命中單純而永恆的一部份

Find out who I am

Dear myself,

If you think carefully, spending time with yourself and so many PhD's articles in the world is a great way to find (or confuse) yourself: find out what you can do, what you would like to do, what you are good at doing, where you are heading to ..

You thought it was getting close to the end of the program. When you study the map and look around, you realize it is even farther than you expect. You thought you knew who you are, in fact, you don't. The more you spend time with yourself, the more you see the concept of self being vague.

===========

I spent almost the whole morning categorizing the articles I collected. I was proud of myself that I found so many great articles. At the same time, I could see how small I am when reading these great research findings written in perfect English. I just started to wonder ... never doubt .. just wonder ... my way in and out...

Google Lively

I just played with Google Lively (wikipedia) for a while - a bout 1 or 2 hours. I found it easier to install and walk around in the space than Second Life. It was also interesting to see how a program slows down my Windows again. Not crush. Only slow down.

This Internet world is a bit weird because wasting your time there is so encouraged!

Google Lively so far only works in windows not on macs. http://www.lively.com/catalog/

Don't know how to use in learning before I can overcome the hardware difficulties.

thoughts after the AI orientation

I attended the AI orientation this spring. Went there for helping Dr. Brush's discussion session today. Had feelings that wow- i can share my experience and i am prepared for those issues. that was amazing.

i finally passed those difficult times in teaching in US. And I am actually looking forward to having fun in teaching and learning with my students.

Discovery

I had a new finding last night from shining :)

Everyday can be interesting even thought I just have a very little new discovery, which is ...

The IU webmail allows the users to "search" after clicking the small icon of magnifier.



I don't know if I should be glad to realize the search function from a friend or not after almost 3 years of using the website. It is a really poor design for users. :S

Rewrite reedit rewrite reread reedit...

I feel frustrated with the article I have been writing since this early fall. The frustration comes from the million times of changes in the outline, structure, questions, results, sentences, words, and more details. I don't know why this article just doesn't come up naturally. As the result, the wonder makes me pause and relax million times naturally.

While rewriting again this evening, I started to get some good ideas about re-organizing the article AGAIN. I believe this one should be the one I pray for such a long time. With my fingers crossed. Going back to rewrite reedit rewrite reread reedit it...

Facebook

昨天不知道為什麼終於抵擋不住強烈的好奇心
開始了我的facebook之旅..
忽然覺得這東西會複雜我小小單純的世界阿

但是現在得暫時告別其他好玩的事
Focus 在我 2007 最後三篇 papers :-)

Turn and True

兩分鐘之前 手裡握著自動筆 在筆記本裡寫下 turn in ... 這幾個字
忽然時光倒轉 好像回到光復樓的那張小小木頭桌子上
寫著英文考卷
每次 我都不確定到底t 後面要接u 還是r
就算猜對了turn 也會猜錯 "ture"
不知道為什麼 從前好朋友熟悉的笑臉浮現
跟我說是 t-r-u-e

怎麼好像時針分針轉過了十年
竟然又回到"明天要期末考"的situation....
我的世界急速的縮小
從讓教育環境更好 到幾個方程式組合成的虛無假設
從出國前夢想看得更遠 到現在窗前一望無際的草原

好久沒回台灣看見熟悉的朋友阿
你們是我想念的世界...

期末小記

又到瘋狂的期末了
這學期有點反常
雖然是期末
作業 研究 瑣事 郵件 排山倒海而來
但心情倒是有點..漠然

說不上來
也許是這學期走過的路太坎坷了..
我學會了 降低自己的敏感度
而缺點是 我不太在清醒的時候思考自己的未來
卻常夢見很奇怪的場景
今天早上 夢見我在一個高高尖尖的塔裡
進來塔裡的人喝了水 就變成很冰冷僵硬的一種人
我著急地握著他們的手 卻無能為力

昨天下了一點小雪
溼冷的空氣裡 颳著冷洌的風
我在室外站了加上走了30分鐘
有些事情 經歷第二次第三次往往沒有第一次那麼美好了阿
像是下雪...

model model :)

今天在寫一個conference propossal的時候
翻出上次去AECT conference 最喜歡的一篇round table discussion paper
為了要找找看有沒有電子檔 找到這個老師的網頁 跟vitae
她雖然在教農業 可是有一些研究對我都非常有趣 --wikis and distance education
she even conducted a recent research on self-efficacy !

仔細讀她的paper 用字都很精準有力
vitea裡看到她得了很多獎 including research and teaching
好奇她的phd在哪裡拿的? Cornell!
阿 如果我當初去cornell 今天不知道有沒有她五分之一厲害 ? :)

Anyway, my model of 2007! (link)

mac*

screenshots on mac (link)
download G*power 3 (link)

跳躍

我的日子是跳躍著前進
不是可以一天一天用手指頭數的

往往回神的時候 已經過了一個禮拜甚至幾個月了
處理一點瑣事 就渡過了一天
之後再也回想不起來到底這些時候做了什麼事情

有時候會想 如果不是在這裡唸書 我的日子會是怎麼樣呢
也許還是處理瑣事 只是針對不同的對象做不同的瑣事吧

也有時候覺得自己在做很重要的事情
那些時候就不是那麼茫然 :)
一邊前進一邊相信自己正在作的事情是很重要的
會跳躍地更堅定吧... 我想

微妙平衡

自從在內憂外患複雜的情況下
完成我的phd (qualify) first dossier review之後
我竟然有一種寫作業或研究 如行雲流水的感覺
雖然不是很簡潔的雲 也不是很清澈的水 :)

每天都到圖書館
我一個人的小位子
分寸之間
似乎找到微妙平衡
不快樂也不太憂傷的一種
精神

偶而會覺得 會不會就這樣過一輩子呢 ...

雖然安靜隱居的生活不錯
但還是想念以前在明倫的時候
早上上班先到洗手台洗洗手
看著中庭裡小孩跑來跑去
再回到辦公室一邊捧著早餐與奶茶
一邊跟同事閒扯的時光
分享那麼簡單的開心

A Long Friday

Friday is probably a day that I have to meet and talk with most people in our department. It could be very interesting but exhausting since we usually have many meetings on Fridays.

Like this Friday, we started off the 3 presentations, and another meeting and another meeting. Finally I got home at 8 pm. Let's call it a week! A very not exciting week with a reason. I hope things would have changed back to some time when I was busy but still happy about my life. I know I will be there soon. I just need to take some rest. I'm hoping to visit my family soon :)